Abe

Abe

Abe Kanan was born and raised on the south side of Chicago and grew up hanging out at Metro, Aragon, Riv, and all of Chicago’s music venues, checking...Full Bio

 

No One's Complaining That Marris' Zipper Is Down - ATS - 6.14.24

Man Opening Jeans Zipper To Masturbate

Photo: AndreyPopov / iStock / Getty Images

This is just a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting, funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast of today's show. However, if you're looking for a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.

Call in Point:

(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)

It's Chainsaw Friyay once more and we have back to back glorious days to indulge in before we are sunk into an absolute blistering hot hellscape so let's enjoy it. On Friday, delusion tends to have moved past settled in and has completely infected us because we need a battery recharge. I think that's what makes the idea of discarding certain etiquette rules a perfect topic for this morning. For example, it's frowned upon to punch people in the face in public but Angi wouldn't mind if that one was allowed to slide because let's be real, some people deserve it. Marris is not on the same page because apparently jail is not his cup of tea. Another that is just silly, no one wanting to take the last piece of food on a sharing platter. This sometimes leads to food waste (on what planet?) and the idea Marris came up with was offer to split it or he's just taking it. The next one came as a quad smash but gave us a beauty to behold. Not telling someone they have food in their teeth, something on their face, toilet paper or their shoe or that their zipper is down. Marris is guilty of his zipper being down all the time and no one says anything. As Angi rightfully pointed out though, we're not telling him it's down for a reason (and before you ask, HR at iHeart does hate us.) Another frowned upon thing that shouldn't be, calling someone out for being rude. If they're being a jerk, ring the alarm. Refusing something that you actually want to be polite. It's a back and forth game when it comes to things like money for dinner and offering to pay. Marris does not allow it to go past two attempts before he takes it and Angi is the queen of the pump fake where she'll keep insisting "no, no, no and then swerve with a sure!" Asking someone how they are and expecting a standard lie response. We have reached a point where we have to go deeper, as you can read emotions on faces. "How are you?" followed up by a "No really, how are you?" can do wonders. Sending thank you notes after a funeral when you receive a donation or flowers. The people are grieving and you should know it is appreciated and should not require acknowledgement. Weirdly, Angi did not know this was a thing and she totally understood why it shouldn't be. We circled back to Marris for people expecting an immediate text or call back as if they are entitled to another person's time. Marris tried to save face that he has auto response in the car but Angi struck further. She is mad that he never seems to text back. It might be six hours later, it might not be at all. He tried to explain that he has been pretty good the last two weeks but Angi added that she sent him a pic yesterday and he talked to her about it this morning, in person. Marris thought he had replied but that was probably in his head and Angi couldn't seem to nail down the exact thing she had sent him. So in other words, they're both problematic.

Other Stuff from Today's Show

So, it seems that The Roast of Tom Brady is continuing to have fallout come from it and that is a seeming gain for our boy Marris. As reported previously, Tom regrets doing the roast because his kids were not happy about how it went. Well, you can now tack on his supermodel ex wife Gisele Bündchen as another peg on the pissed pole. It seems that her relationship with her jiu-jitsu instructor boyfriend has called it quits due to all the jokes lobbied at them (see: him.) Apparently, Joaquim Valente was not having it when it came to the spotlight falling on him because you know, it wasn't there when he was dating Tom Brady's ex wife.... He apparently got sick of being asked if he was the cause of the divorce and all the other things that people probably should have made a point of when they first started dating but whatever. Regardless, Gisele blames Tom because clearly a dumb joke filled special is such a catalyst for massive decisions. We tried to offer that perspective saying that it really wasn't Tom's fault because it's a roast and people need to lighten up or leave people alone. This is where Marris comes in though because he is not afraid of the limelight and spotlight. He might not be a jiu-jitsu instructor and is kinda out of shape with a bum knee and is a little bit lazy and incredibly poor but Marris can take Gisele to things like Comic Con and that arcade that has Angi's Addams Family pinball machine. That's clearly more than anyone else can offer this poor woman, right?

AEW wrestler's Skye Blue and RoH World Television Champion Kyle Fletcher stopped into the studio this morning to talk about the upcoming July 3rd AEW Dynamite and Rampage shows in Chicago. Here's some highlights of what was discussed:

- We heard their respective entrance music.

- Syke grew up in Bensenville.

- Skye started wrestling her junior year of high school.

- She didn't have a bully in school but her one friend Maggie washes blood out of her hair nowadays.

- Kyle Fletcher is part of The Don Callis Family faction.

- Kyle is from Australia so Angi had to ask about kangaroos, told how one beat her up in Sydney.

- Kyle's parents just recently moved to the middle of nowhere in Australia, a swole kangaroo is always on the property and his mom calls him Kyle.

- Both of them will be wrestling at Dynamite and Rampage here on July 3rd.

- Skye's father is cool with her wrestling, her mother freaks out.

- They are dating but also fought each other in the ring for Skye's home promotion.

- Their 1 year anniversary was in April.

- Angi plugged Diamonds Direct.

- Skye does not want to be proposed to in the ring.

- Kyle wants to beat up Daniel Garcia for his dancing (and the fact that Kyle can't.)

- Skye's heckler was discussed, it was some of the worst things she's ever heard said to someone.

- Kyle was behind the curtain when it happened. He didn't catch the words but knew someone said something. He would have beaten the guy up if he wasn't thrown out.

- This Dynamite will be the post Forbidden Door show.

- Kyle is a super healthy eater but the couple went to Portillos with Will Ospreay.

Finally, Father's Day is Sunday and a survey of 3,000 people showed us what the new definition of "dad rock is." Weirdly enough, Rock 95.5 is basically a dad rock station according to this.

10. Limp Bizkit

9. Bon Jovi

8. Coldplay

7. Guns N' Roses

6. Linkin Park

5. Nirvana

4. Red Hot Chili Peppers

2. (Tie) Van Halen and Blink 182

1. Nickelback

This blew Marris' mind as he thought he knew dad rock but it seems he had no clue. For his father, dad rock was classic rock and to be fair, Marris is like 37 or 38 so this is technically his version of dad rock. This basically continued to showcase our utter disdain toward Gen Z.

Don't Kill Angi Weekly Recap

Mon: Angi wanted to go to the water park

Choice: Kevin had Angi decide to ride the Tasmanian Twister.

Result: After having not been to a water park in ages, Angi was looking forward to finally getting some time in the water. In fact, she wanted to look her best so Angi went out and bought a brand new bikini. Dressed up and driven to Raging Waves, Angi sauntered around the park with a towel wrapped around her waist. When she laid her eyes upon the Tasmanian Twister though, Angi knew that was the first thing she wanted to ride. Climbing the staircase to the topic, Angi was told how to go down the slide and stuffed inside it like a sausage. With one swift push she was off, twisting and sliding down through a massive tunnel and eventually shot out into the pool. The ride had been so exhilarating, Angi decided that she wanted to do it again. However, as Angi stood up in the waist deep water, she realized with horror that her bikini top had come off during the ride. Standing with her frankentits to the wind, all the moms started yelling and booing her. As she got out of the pool and started to run, the moms chased her like an actual Frankenstein Monster and hit her with pool noodles. Embarrassed, Angi ran out of the water park while all the men chanted "frankentits, frankentits, frankentits!" (Alive)

Tue: Angi wanted to do a Chicago staycation

Choice: Fred had Angi decide to swim with stingrays at the Shedd.

Result: Even though she still clung to the fear of what happened to Steve Irwin could possibly occur to her, Angi decided that she was going to take her chance swimming with stingrays at the Shedd. Calling in the favors that are required for these mental mindscapes to work in the context of this story, Angi was invited to come hang out in the tank and feed the stingrays. After being told the chance of her getting barbed was pretty slim, Angi jumped in the tank and was having a good time. She swam next to the gentle creatures, petted them and fed them fish that were no longer performing up to aquarium standards. After surfacing from the tank, Angi hung over the ledge and lectured some passing kids. "Hey kids, one of these things killed a really nice man from Australia." At that moment she couldn't remember Steve Irwin so she just smiled and nodded. After that, it was feeding time again and as a handler brought in some chum, Angi heard a familiar sound but it was yasssssified. Chris the Gay Pride Fresh Water Shark appeared behind Angi in the tank and said to her "Haven't you learned to stay out of the water? Also, happy pride!" With that, the shark leapt forward and bit Angi in half. (Dead)

Wed: Angi wanted to work at fast food camp

Choice: Stephanie had Angi decide to go work at Burger King.

Result: After spending years pondering what could have been, Angi decided it was time for a fast food redemption. Hearing about the Chick Fil A "fast food summer camp," Angi decided to attempt a shot at doing something akin to it in a Burger King. However, the camp concept was replaced with her applying for and actually getting a job and this time, she intended not to steal from the register. With her first day upon her, Angi walked into the restaurant and demanded a crown, which was promptly denied as she was sent to work the onion ring fryer. After emptying the five pound bag of onion rings into the fryer, Angi got to cooking and she was actually pretty good at the job. It seemed that had she stuck with it and not robbed Dairy Queen blind, she may have made manager at some point. After delivering her first order of onion rings, Angi was proud of herself until she heard a customer start to yell. After biting into one of his onion rings, he ended up cracking a tooth. Not sure what she had done wrong, the customer revealed that one of Angi's hoop earrings had fallen in with the fried slop and she fed it to him. Enraged, the customer yelled at the manager that he was going to sue and Angi was immediately fired on the spot. (Alive)

 

Thur: Angi and Jay the Gay had an eating contest

Choice: Johnathan had Angi decide to gobble down Italian sausage.

Result: Seeing as Netflix had stolen Joey Chestnut from the public eye for a publicity stunt, Angi decided to step up and give the world a true eating showdown. However, in her short sighted planning, she decided to battle the other queen of sausage swallowing, Jay the Gay. What was shaping up to be a battle for the ages, Angi and Jay the Gay were both seated in front of massive piles of Italian sausage. After some trash talk between the two, a glitter gun was fired into the air and the race was off. In a scene that could on be described as being on the set of an adult film meets a weekend at Steamworks, Angi and Jay the Gay were both going nuts. The meat guzzling mavens were mostly neck and neck as they continued to shove sausages in their mouths. Angi though was not one to be upstaged and she decided to show everyone why she was dubbed "The Throat G.O.A.T." Grabbing five Italian sausages, Angi shoved them all in her mouth to a loud applause. However, one of the sausages slid down her throat and got lodged in her windpipe. As Angi choked to the point of turning blue, all the attention returned to Jay the Gay as he continued to shovel the cased meat down his throat. Falling off of her chair, Angi suffocated on the floor as Jay the Gay was declared the winner of the showdown. (Dead)

Fri: Angi wanted a daddy to adopt her

Choice: Robert had Angi decide to look for a dad at Home Depot.

Result: Feeling a tad nostalgic for what it was like to have a father for five seconds, Angi decided to go out and look for a dad to celebrate Father's Day with. Knowing how much dads love Home Depot, Angi focused her attention on the aisles and it didn't take long until she found someone who seemed a perfect fit. Tall with a beard and wearing a Metallica shirt, Angi ran over to the father figure and struck up a conversation. "Hi, hey you! Listen, I'm looking for a dad for Father's Day," she realized how wrong it sounded after saying it "would you like to be my daddy?" Looking her over, the man agreed and replied "I'd be glad to be your dad, would you like to come over for lunch?" Thrilled, Angi agreed and went home with the stranger in his truck (this was not something new for her.) Once inside, she found a massive spread of food for lunch but before she could get her first glass of wine, the man stopped her. "Now, now, before we eat, you gotta mow the lawn." The man directed Angi to the two acre backyard and the riding mower. Annoyed, Angi took a seat and realized that having a father who expected things from her was not cool. Instead of mowing, she turned the machine on and drove away from the stranger's house. (Alive)

Request Wars 3.5

Theme: Songs That Remind Them of Their Dads

Current Champion: Marris (3x)

Angi's Song Choice: “Since You've Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson

Marris' Song Choice: "Hero" by Chad Kroeger

Winner: Marris

10 O' Clock Toast:

Toastee: Skye Blue and Kyle Fletcher

They were lovely. Also shout out to the dads!

Show Quotes and Tidbits:

"Be quiet and keep your (Marris) zipper down." - Angi

"You would run too if that skank bucket (Angi) was your spawn." - Minn Barb