Abe

Abe

Abe Kanan was born and raised on the south side of Chicago and grew up hanging out at Metro, Aragon, Riv, and all of Chicago’s music venues, checking...Full Bio

 

Angi Taylor Show Recap with Jay the Gay - 9-23-2021

This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.

Call in Point:

(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)

Today was a true hodgepodge when it came to topics and the discussions on the show today. We were all over the place from playing a version of The Name Game and to this main point, which was a reflection of a-hole things that you did as a kid. This topic came about because Abe was discussing grammar school off air and it inspired Angi. He explained how they had a teacher who made all the kids confirm their name and phone numbers out loud in class for some stupid reason. Abe, at only 8 years old, was already the class clown and found a way to abuse this information. While he sat there, he proceeded to scribble down all the names and numbers, which in turn he later used to prank call everyone in the class. Angi discussed how they used to torture her baba by prank calling her all the time. Apparently they also used to stick lit cigarettes in her mouth when she was sleeping (WTF!) Now that we've discovered how they were a-holes, let's see what the roadies had to say. Kaitlyn ironically was not the a-hole but she was much worse. She was the goody two shoes in school, the proverbial teacher's pet. She was that one go to student that they would always have tattling on all the naughty kids, which makes her a monster in my book. She was the kid that all the other kids hated and with absolute good reason. She was the chosen one when the teacher left the room who was tasked with writing the names on the board of those who were breaking the set rules. To go along with the hatred that this job drew, kids would tease her and one went as far as to write a swear word on the side of her binder (pretty sure it was my favorite word that ends in unt.) Abe was apparently triggered by all this and jumped on the bandwagon, mentioning he hated kids like her. Then again in Abe's grammar school, it seemed like all the teachers hated the boys and so did the girls, as they would only write boys names on the misbehaving board. This might explain why Abe tends to like the company of gentlemen more than ladies, me thinks. Angi dug up a sure to be classic memory where she explained that she was a flirt and boy crazy. She was so boy crazy that she found herself sitting in boys' laps ... in the fifth grade. I guess this also explains a lot about Angi as well. I probably should add though for the sake that she did not have "lipstick parties" in grammar school and those were reserved for when she turned 17. This is not something that has diminished by the way as she still does them every weekend at her house and she always goes to purple. (I feel it's in my best interest to note that this may or may not be unconfirmed but hey, what's she going to do, fire me!?) Anyway, back to the roadies. Tom was that guy who would smack people's books down when he was in school. This led to another Abe memory unearthing after a lively discussion about book checking and kicking the book down the hall/throwing it off a balcony. At Abe's all male high school, the seniors loved to play grab ass with the freshmen. I mean, this explains why Abe repeated his freshman year three times and his senior year four times imo. Unlike Gaybe Kanan over here, George and his friends made a list of all the teachers and girls who were hot. Noted in this hot list was the Spanish teacher who always got whistled at to the point where she lost it and started screaming that she was not a piece of meat. Angi herself had a hot Spanish and English teacher but she did not earn her double d's by banging the teachers. Lastly, there was a talk of coaches who Abe felt were down to bang everyone (at least in his mind) while Angi had Coach O who tended to stay around a little too long in the girls locker room.

All the Rest:

Right, do you have a weird name, a name that is silly or goofy that tends to get made fun of? Perhaps you share a name with someone who is famous? This all came about because Angi got an email from a man named Michael Jackson who works at Def Jam Records. I would think in situations like this, if you were named Michael Jackson, you probably should end up working in the music industry. Another extremely fun name of a person was a guy Angi went to school with. His name was Michael Clitty but used to go by Mike. Now, if you want the hilarity from this, say his abbreviated name and last name quickly (delightful.) Abe went to school with a guy named Goldberg and so all the kids would yell "Goldberg, Goldberg, Goldberg," when he walked the halls. If they were smart, they would have thrown like trash cans at him as well because Goldberb absolutely sucks. There is only one of two ways that a situation like this is bound to go, either it's going to over super well and you're like a famous song people love or you get griefed the entire duration of your life (there truly seems to be no middle ground.) Another person on the famous name list is Jason Brown only the honor goes to his dad James Brown and his uncle Bobby Brown. On the phones, our first out the gate probably made many people smile. We got to speak to Michael Scott, who doesn't work at a paper company but did get his daughter into watching The Office. Of course, because she's smart, her favorite character is Dwight. I should add that Michael Scott intends to dress up as Prison Mike for Halloween this year (which is fantastic.) Tony Bennett called in (and sounded great even with Alzheimer's affecting him.) Lady called in and due to her unique name, we got a little bit of singing of Kenny Rogers from Angi and Styx from Abe. Eight Inch Rob called to tell us that he went to highschool with a girl named Angela Nuss, that's right, he was in school with the A. Nuss. Ken called in but ended up MIA, probably because that bitch Barbie came home drunk again. Marty always got called McFly while growing up. We ended things with a Doug who used to get goofed on for being the Doug from the cartoon show. This also makes me wonder, how did Abe not end up with a girl named Patti Mayonnaise.

Next up, one of our favorite topics on this show, wasting money. In this instance, the question of wasting money comes from what a person considers an absolute waste of money. For example, printer ink, which is super expensive and just feels like you're throwing cash into a fire. Besides, does anyone actually own a printer besides Angi, who doesn't even use hers. (Funny story, I had someone offer me a printer the other day and I laughed at them for doing so.) Honestly though, do all your printing at work and nowhere else imo. Funeral homes are another big money dump. This reminded Abe that a few months back, the idea to open The Angi and Abe Funeral Home was being tossed around. This funeral home would have a bar and be the ultimate party spot so the burial could be cheaper and all the marked up alcohol being sold would make up for it. Also available would be glory holes and cocaine but that's on the secret menu and you would need a code to access them. Streaming services which were supposed to be the original way to cut the cord and save yourself some money. Guess what, now there's 87 different streaming services with sections of content you definitely want to see and you end up spending more than you did when you had cable (debatable honestly because Comcast is goddamn expensive.) Phone games, which Angi felt seen the moment it came up on the list. Yep, she's that person who dumps the occasional couple bucks here and there into her phone games (but she knows that it ends up totally adding up.) Pet toys which you buy and either get used only a handful of times, torn to shreds in seconds or the pet just isn't into them. The same can be said of baby toys because kids would rather play in the box then play with the actual toy. Continuing on the baby train, clothes also fall into the same category. They go right through them since they grow so fast, it's a total waste. Abe had a solution to this, just wrap the baby in sheets at all times. Note that Abe doesn't have kids nor intends to have them and now you can see this is a good thing. Still on kids, designer clothes for them under the same guise that kids grow fast and it's a total waste. Abe knows someone who bought Jordan's for his kid and now they're hanging up in the car. Abe also feels that insurance should be on the list (which makes sense until a car crashes through your house.) ATM fees are completely unreasonable which is why all places should totally take your debit card (because who wants to carry cash as well.) On the phone, Thersea complained about her gym membership that she got in like January and hasn't used since February. Marissa has a man that she was with for like 30 years who is a complete drain on her life. I switched up Marissa with caller Brian because he was a treasure. Brian wastes his money on a couple of cam girls, who he considers his girlfriends. That's right, these "girlfriends" do very naughty stuff for him and he throws money at them for it and he is amazing. He should be deemed our next head roadie come tomorrow.

Finally, even though we talked about what a drain funeral homes our, the last topic for today involves funerals. The more precise idea here is the most popular funeral songs for 2021. Let's count them down before tackling the topic.

10. Pixies - "Where Is My Mind?"

9. Norman Greenbaum - "Spirit in the Sky"

8. Westlife - "I'll See You Again"

7. Radiohead - "Creep"

6. John Denver - "Take Me Home, Country Roads"

5. MercyMe - "I Can Only Imagine"

4. Ed Sheeran - "Supermarket Flowers"

3. Ricky Montgomery - "Mr. Loverman"

2. Wiz Khalifa (feat. Charlie Puth) - "See You Again"

1. Cage the Elephant - "Cigarette Daydreams"

Now that we've tackled the depressing ones, Angi was looking for funny or inappropriate ones for a funeral. Abe's pick would be Slayer's "Angel of Death." It would be amazing, all that headbanging at the funeral. Angi's choice was NSYNC's "Bye Bye Bye." Just imagine Jay the Straight, Abe, Me and several others, all lined up and doing the dance from the video on and around her coffin. That's right, the bitch is finally dead and we would celebrate the hell out of it. On the phone, Jimbo picked Rob Zombie's "Living Dead Girl." Tom decided he wanted Guns N' Roses "Sweet Child of Mine," which would only cause people to stop crying and start rocking. Stacy's father in law passed away and he had "Wipeout" playing as people walked past the coffin, which had them taken aback (and is hilarious.) A caller whose name I missed suggested King Missle's "Detachable Penis." Dan called in with the highly appropriate choice of AC/DC's "Highway to Hell." As for me, I have to go with the classic Stone Temple Pilots song "Dead & Bloated."

Request Wars 2.0:

Champion: Abe (Streak: 1)

Angi's (repping Lauren) Song Choice: "Liar"

Abe's (repping Rocko) Song Choice: "Shock Me"

Observation: Rocko and his boys at the shop are listening to Abe defend himself against Lauren the liar who dedicated the song to Abe, king of the liars. Honestly, I'd love to hear Rollins Band because it's been a hot minute since I last have.

Winner: Angi

10 o'Clock Toast:

Jackson Mahomes - This is Patrick Mahomes brother who was at his game this past weekend. The Ravens won and so Raven fans heckled him which he responded to by tossing water on them.

Show Quotes and Tidbits:

Quote "I'm known for my showering." - Abe

Quote: "The day someone wants to slap box me is the last day they'll see me." - Abe

PSAngi - You can't say whatever you want to people and not expect repercussions.

PSAbe - If you're a family member, don't make a scene.