Abe

Abe

Abe Kanan was born and raised on the south side of Chicago and grew up hanging out at Metro, Aragon, Riv, and all of Chicago’s music venues, checking...Full Bio

 

Angi Taylor Show Recap with Jay the Gay - 9-22-2021

This is a small taste of the show overall, the bits and bobs that I found interesting and funny, insightful and relevant. To hear everything that happened, check out the podcast version of the show. If you want a quick read along with random self inserts and my personal thoughts, you've come to the right place.

Call in Point:

(This is the broadstroke canvas on which I base my call, obviously these notes are going to be longer and more detailed.)

So, even though the ghost of Vegas is days old now, Angi still found one more great nugget to mine out of it. You see (and you would have heard yesterday or read about in my notes,) Angi won $1,200 playing blackjack while in Vegas. When she had the cash in hand, she thought she was balling all hardcore. In fact, she passed stores and was considering blowing it all there before she left. However, she reserved herself and the money came home with her (and probably ended up right in Binny's cash register as soon as the plane touched down.) This idea of walking around and holding money gave her a thought though. If you were given $10,000 and had 30 minutes to spend that money in one store of your choice, where would it be? Abe first started out by suggesting the hooker store (which if I'm correct is called Skybox.) A good point was made though about spending $10,000 on a hooker. If you intend to dump your money on a whore, you'd better make sure she is doing everything. I mean EVERYTHING ... cooking, cleaning your house, the laundry, changing the oil in your car, cutting the grass, cleaning out the gutters, you get the idea. Anyway, after moving past the fantastical insanity, we got to the real meat of the point. For Angi, I was correct in assuming that Binny's would be her first choice (this is because we are kindred spirits who are trying to get iHeart to pay for her and I's trip to Promises rehab in Malibu.) Her intention while in the store was to buy $10,000 worth of Jack Daniels, which should last about six weeks in the Taylor household. Also on Angi's list as an alternative was Nordstrom because she loves their shoes and would go crazy buying pairs upon pairs for her Bigfoot sized feet. Abe, in predictable fashion, would spend his $10,000 on the World Series of Poker website, which technically isn't a store and negates the whole point of this exercise. Still though, he wants to buy a wristband to get in and in his mind, dumping this $10,000 on that is perfect. However, as we said, you need to spend it in a store so he revised and gave us a better answer. He would instead go to the Chicago Music Exchange and buy himself a Gibson Les Paul Standard, which apparently straight away cost that cool $10,000. When he was 13, Abe had a Gibson Les Paul Epiphone so this is a dream upgrade. On the phone, Bonnie decided on the Apple store as her go to money wasting zone. Angi and Abe advised her to wait though until the new iPhone comes out. Bonnie seemed more interested in the purple desktops, which gave Angi a great excuse to goof on Abe and his ridiculous dual long stretch humongous monitor that he needs to look over his 4 fantasy football teams. There was another mention of a liquor store spending spree from a roadie but I missed his name and the store because my temporal frontal lobe collapsed for a moment. Chris said he would get himself a Harley and would be playing Korn "Got the Life" on it as he drove off. Over on Facebook, Ty said he would spend his windfall at the dispensary, which is technically a store and it makes sense. As for myself, as I said Angi and I are kindred spirits so I would be hitting up Binny's as well. However, if I had to leave a second one, I'd say Best Buy if only for a full on tech and appliance refresh in my apartment.

All the Rest:

It's hump day, which is usually a cause for celebration but if you took one look outside this morning, you'd probably want to scream. Well, that is if you could even see outside as it is still dark while I'm writing these notes because fall is officially here. That's right, out with that magnificent beast summer and in with our version of fall. For those reading this that don't live here, fall in Chicago kind of works like this: 2 weeks of breezy, lovely cool weather. Follow that up with a week and a half where suddenly it's 90+ even though we've packed away the summer clothes. Follow up by having it snow the day after the last 90 degree temperature departs. Also, lots of cold rain scattered throughout the whole month plus that fall actually lasts. As it is though, Angi's favorite season is fall (mine too, let's talk girl.) As for Abe, he was just thrilled that summer went the distance and basically lasted until the very last moment. This was fine by him because he has a certain thing he hates about winter. If you've ever heard Abe in the last handful of years and shows he's done/been on, you know how he feels about "snow visitors." You see, Abe doesn't care about the weather until it snows and the idiots start descending upon the city like vultures. He hates these "snow visitors" with a passion because they don't deserve to enjoy snow. You see, these people live in different places around the country where the weather is always pleasant or tolerable but then they come to our city when it snows to enjoy snow. Guess what, Abe has deemed you unworthy of enjoying and playing in our snow. Angi likened this stand to Vegas, where it's only a thriving neon hellhole because of visitors who come to it all the time. Clearly though this is different because according to Abe, Vegas needs people and Chicago doesn't. We clearly don't need their cash revenue that is generated when they come to town and buy all our weed during Grateful Dead shows. We don't need them buying tons of food, alcohol and hotel stays during music festivals. We certainly don't need them pumping in cash during our winter months when things slow down but tourism ramps up to take in all the snow and winter themed events. However, we still get all that but the problem of course is that the money just disappears. Where it goes, no one knows. So even though we're drowning in idiot revenue, all of it goes missing the moment it enters the system so maybe he is on to something. However, there is a silver lining to the upcoming winter. Covid is finally over, that's right, you heard it here folks (this is obviously sarcasm, please get vaccinated so we can end this nightmare.) With winter right around the corner and the return of cold and flu season, who needs a global pandemic messing things up still. Thankfully, actresses including Anne Hathaway, Alyssa Milano and Debra Messing have decided that covid is canceled. Well it will be once their petition to all the world leaders to consider it finished is passed around. I'm sure they came up with this over brunch when they were deciding how to go about creating their next way to bring some attention to them since they're currently doing nothing. These idiot losers are just another part of the problem, assuming that their status and influence will magically make this endless nightmare end. Spoiler alert: covid is pretty much here to stay. No matter how bad you want it to be over, we are too steeped in stupidity for that to occur. As long as fake news continues to tout how not serious it is, the virus will continue to evolve and will become like the flu, only around all the time and much deadlier.

So for a topic that would evolve into a questionable look at Angi's problems, Angi had a simple question. What caused you to realize that you're no longer young. Now, for some people this isn't something that occurs or has occurred because they have felt older forever. Angi, for example, is 57 but tends to think she is much older. Disclaimer: Angi is not 57 years old and this was a fun jab she made at herself and I really don't want to be executed for making a joke so let's just pretend I didn't acknowledge her comment. A perfect example would be hearing a song you know and love on the radio and then being told "it's an oldie." Another great example, when you go out and buy a mop and you are absolutely thrilled by doing this. How about having a 1 in front of your year when you're going out and you need to put in your birth year for alcohol. When you see a dirty grungy biker on a motorcycle and you don't think "oh god, my basement is flooded" and instead you find yourself worried about the guy falling off and injuring himself. For Angi, her realization came the other day when she fell at the liquor store a handful of days ago. It was a whole big thing that we discussed at length so if you missed it, just go back through some of my old notes to read all about it. Anyway, her slip and fall in the probable puddle of urine at the liquor store at 11 A.M. on a Sunday left her with a bruise and aching sore for at least three days. Another example was when her daughter heard Greed Day playing and she referred to it as "vintage rock." Abe is also on the old man bandwagon but his issues exist with those crazy kids these days. First off, he doesn't like all that stupid talk that people do these days like "fam," "dope" and "brah." His other issue lies with MTV, producer of his favorite show The Challenge. Anyway, he does not understand the VMA's anymore. Like he attempted to tune into it and he literally had no idea who any of the people on the show were. Mind you, this was someone who used to know everyone in every genre and was into things before you know, he got old. A listener chimed in that they had to have their niece explain who Cardi B was to them. Funny enough, I knew of Cardi B before she even broke in the U.S. because I used to listen to a lot of BBC Radio 1 before Rock 95.5 came along and she blew up there first. I should note that Angi stopped feeling like grandma for five seconds in Vegas because she got carded while there this past weekend. On the phone, we had Head Roadie Bill who found himself hitting the old mark when he was filling out something online and he had to scroll down in order to get to his birth year. Angi knows that feeling as well, whenever she is ordering booze from DoorDash (aka daily,) she too has watched with horror as the driver scrolls down to find her birth year to confirm that she's a middle aged alcoholic. Abe in turn called her a drunk and I'm pretty sure it ruined our chance of staging that intervention we had been planning. Kathleen called about a time she was on the job site and she mentioned how she started in 1998, to which a co-worker replied that it was the same year he was born. Troy explained how he now takes two days to recover after going out drinking on a Friday night. I know that all too well but I can still bounce back in a day at least. Then again, I've also learned my limits and can keep myself in check to not spiral into hurting territory these days. Crypto Kevin, who is 31, also has a hangover issue. The thing is his hangovers are cocaine based and take a day to get over. I'm glad to report though that he is a month sober. After that though we realized another Angi and Abe oldness, when neither of them can hear and understand what callers are saying. Lastly, you wanna really know how you're old, you tend to forget how old you are.

Finally, on this disgusting cold wet Tuesday, we have some fun Drunk Ninja News! to brighten up the day. Unfortunately, today's drunk ninja was not from Florida (but fear not, 98% of them usually are.) This drunk (albeit happy) idiot was from Madison. His drunken crime, well he was standing outside of a restaurant offering free hugs to people on Saturday. I know what you're thinking, why is giving hugs with your hands out in public (and not your mouth) such a big deal? Well, it turns out that there was a problematic portion to these hugs. You see, if you didn't accept his hug, this 33 year old drunk loser then wanted to fight you instead. Come to think of it, this sounds like a scene from Fight Club spilling out into the real world. Anyway, a compounded issue to his hug or fight me mentality was that he had been banned from the restaurant he was at two weeks prior. After too many confrontational engagements, the cops arrived and attempted to haul him off. Once inside the backseat, he started kicking and spitting (like a llama,) which ended up doing damage to the cop car. Funny enough, a second drunk ninja was also arrested at the same time because he came in twice that day and he too had been banned from the restaurant, for probably being an idiot like drunk ninja number 1. Either way, two drunk ninjas for the price of 1, what are the odds!

Request Wars 2.0:

Champion: Angi (Streak: 1)

Angi's (repping Luke) Song Choice: "Everything Zen"

Abe's (repping Jake) Song Choice: "Don't Fear the Reaper"

Observation: Jake hung out to talk while Angi and Abe debated whether Gavin Rossdale slept with a man or the babysitter. Apparently Dirk Dumpster stealing Gwen Stefani was a big sticking point but also, Jake seems to be a dumbbell.

Winner: Abe

10 o'Clock Toast:

The A-Hole Scary MFer. There was a ragdoll named Emily hidden behind a wall in a house that said it killed the original owners and that it hoped the new owners had knives.

Show Quotes and Tidbits:

Quote: "I don't like dogs that have had sex. I like my dogs to be virgins." - Abe

Quote: "Can you be Abe the Ticket Fairy because I love you being a fairy." - Angi

Duo Quote:

"Anyone who releases an NFT is a piece of garbage." - Abe

"What you should say is that anyone that is buying them is a piece of garbage." - Angi

PSAngi&Jay: If iHeart is sending us to rehab, can you please send myself and I to Promises in Malibu.